Fearful Avoidant vs Dismissive Avoidant: Understanding Attachment Styles

Attachment styles are crucial in forming relationships, perceiving intimacy, and coping with emotions. Of the four attachment styles, fearful and dismissive types share similarities due to their avoidant nature. However, their motivations, behaviours, and emotional responses are distinct. This article outlines the key differences between fearful avoidant vs dismissive avoidant attachment styles. 

What Are Attachment Styles?

Attachment theory, developed by psychologist John Bowlby, suggests that emotional bonds formed with caregivers in childhood shape relationships and emotional responses as adults. The four main attachment styles include: 

1. Secure: Characterized by a healthy balance of intimacy and independence. Secure individuals feel comfortable with closeness and are generally trusting of others.

2. Anxious/Preoccupied: Marked by emotional dependency and fear of abandonment. Anxious types often seek excessive reassurance and can engage in at times, excessive strategies to force others to be available to their needs. .

3. Fearful Avoidant: Combines a desire for intimacy with a fear of getting hurt, leading to mixed signals, distrust, and emotional confusion.

4. Dismissive Avoidant: Characterized by a strong desire for independence and self-sufficiency. Individuals with this attachment type often avoid emotional closeness.

Comparing Fearful Avoidant vs Dismissive Avoidant Attachment 

Both attachment types face significant but unique relationship challenges. Understanding the differences between fearful avoidant vs dismissive avoidant attachment is crucial for navigating the complexities of relationships. The distinctions are discussed below. 

Fearful Avoidant Attachment

The fearful avoidant attachment style (also known as disorganized attachment) is often the result of inconsistent and/or traumatic experiences with caregivers during childhood. As a result, they often feel caught between conflicting desires. These individuals crave intimacy and deep connections but are also terrified of it. The fear of getting hurt, abandoned, or rejected can cause them to alternate between pursuing and withdrawing from intimacy. 

Characteristics of Fearful Avoidant Attachment:

• Ambivalence Toward Relationships: Individuals with this attachment style desire close connections but simultaneously fear the vulnerability that comes with it. This often leads to push-pull dynamics in relationships, where they may pursue closeness but retreat when it becomes too intense.

• Emotional Turmoil: Fearful avoidants often experience a rollercoaster of emotions, shifting rapidly from anxiety to anger to despair. This inconsistency can be confusing and distressing for both partners.

• Trust Issues: Due to their past experiences, fearful avoidants struggle to trust others. They may constantly doubt their partner's intentions, leading to misunderstandings and conflicts.

• Self-Sabotage: Fearful avoidant types are highly sensitive to rejection or abandonment. They may engage in self-sabotaging behaviours (e.g., avoiding commitment) to protect themselves from potential pain.

• Insecurity: This attachment style is often rooted in a lack of self-worth. Individuals may struggle with inadequacy, believing they are unlovable or unworthy of a stable relationship.

Dismissive Avoidant Attachment

Dismissive avoidant attachment is characterized by a strong preference for independence and self-reliance. Dismissive avoidant types often grew up in environments where emotional expression was discouraged, or caregivers were emotionally distant. As a result, they learned to suppress their emotions, believing that displaying vulnerability is a sign of weakness. 

Characteristics of Dismissive Avoidant Attachment:

• Emotional Detachment: Dismissive avoidants are often perceived as emotionally distant or cold. They may struggle to express their feelings or connect with the emotions of others, leading to disconnection in relationships.

• High Need for Independence: These individuals value their independence. They may resist relying on others or opening up emotionally, viewing relationships as a potential threat to their autonomy.

• Avoidance of Vulnerability: Dismissive avoidants tend to avoid situations requiring emotional intimacy and vulnerability. This can lead to superficial relationships or a reluctance to commit.

• Devaluation of Relationships: Dismissive avoidants often downplay the importance of relationships. They may prioritize work, hobbies, or interests over creating meaningful connections.

• Difficulty Responding to Others' Needs: Dismissive avoidants may struggle to respond empathetically to their partners' needs. They might come across as cold, indifferent, or uncaring, which can strain relationships.

Fearful Avoidant vs Dismissive Avoidant: Key Differences

While both attachment styles involve challenges with intimacy and trust, they differ in their underlying motivations and behaviours. These are discussed below. 

Motivation for Avoidance:

• Fearful Avoidant: Avoidance is driven by fear, often mixed with a desire for closeness, creating internal conflict.

• Dismissive Avoidant: Avoidance is motivated by a need for independence and self-reliance. 

Desire for Intimacy: 

• Fearful Avoidant: Crave closeness but are afraid of it, leading to issues with commitment.

• Dismissive Avoidant: Tend to avoid intimacy, viewing it as a threat to their independence. 

Emotional Expression: 

• Fearful Avoidant: Experience intense emotions but struggle to regulate or express them, leading to emotional turbulence and communication issues. 

• Dismissive Avoidant: Tend to suppress or downplay their emotions to maintain emotional detachment. This can lead to communication breakdown in relationships. 

Trust Issues: 

• Fearful Avoidant: Struggle to trust because of past trauma or inconsistent caregiving, leading to a fear of being hurt. 

• Dismissive Avoidant: Distrust others because they've learned to rely only on themselves, seeing emotional dependence as a weakness.

Approach to Relationships: 

• Fearful Avoidant: Often alternate between seeking closeness and withdrawing to protect themselves. 

• Dismissive Avoidant: Consistently keep relationships at a distance, preferring casual or less emotionally demanding interactions.

Impact on Partners:

• Fearful Avoidant: Partners may feel confused, frustrated, or exhausted by unpredictable behaviour and emotional volatility.

• Dismissive Avoidant: Partners may feel neglected, unimportant, or unloved due to the lack of emotional engagement and intimacy.

Healing and Growth

Although both attachment styles use avoidance, the underlying reasons and behaviours differ significantly. Understanding the distinctions between fearful avoidant vs dismissive avoidant styles is crucial to improving relationships. 

Therapy is also vital. Counselling for fearful avoidant types might focus on building self-worth, rebuilding trust, and regulating emotions. For dismissive avoidants, it may concentrate on reconnecting with emotions, embracing vulnerability, and fostering deeper connections Regardless of the focus, therapy provides a safe space to explore underlying fears, develop healthier emotional responses, and build secure and corrective attachment patterns and experiences. 

For individuals that may be struggling with attachment based relationship challenges, counselling can support individuals in creating “earned secure attachment”, where an individual moves from insecure attachment to secure attachment by resolving earlier childhood experiences. Addressing the relationship pitfalls of avoidant attachments can be daunting, but change is possible. With the right tools and support, you can create healthier, more fulfilling connections.

Transform Your Attachment Style With Our Therapist Collective

At OntarioTherapists.com, we understand that avoidant attachments can cause confusion, self-doubt, and emotional turmoil. Our aim is to help uncover the roots of fearful avoidant vs dismissive avoidant attachments, allowing clients to build more meaningful connections. 

Our psychotherapists have diverse expertise to suit the client’s unique needs. Whether you're struggling with feelings of inadequacy in your relationship or finding it difficult to connect emotionally with others, we are here to help!

Book a free half-hour consultation via video call or phone. Call us at 647-296-9235 or click here to book your appointment.